Sickness
by Kuma-Idle
Summary: Zaraki Kenpachi claims that he's sick. UnohanaKenpachi ONESHOT.


**The Cold**

AN: Bleach isn't mine love.

_For iceilluser with love: P Thanks for your beautiful fic, you are really talented._

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Retsu Unohana was having a very peculiar week.

"I've said it once," she began "And I'll say it again, there is nothing wrong with you Taichou."

She tried her best to sound calm but the slight high pitch in her voice proved otherwise. This sort of thing usually didn't bother her, but when it came to the 11th division she wondered if they were all designed to test her patience as a healer.

Her suspicions where confirmed this week.

Retsu Unohana was a patient, understanding woman. Her predecessor had recommended highly of her due to her manner and her discipline. However at that moment she felt a ping of resentment. Not only had this patient been delaying her from dealing with the seriously ill but also he had no sign of injury or illness at all. To make it worse, he was the captain of the division that she thought was outright trying to drive her subordinates to insanity.

Zaraki Kenpachi.

"What the hell do ya' mean there's nothin wrong with me?" barked Kenpachi "You're not looking right."

"Not looking right?" replied the healer "Zaraki-taichou, I've been searching for six days for an illness, a broken rib, anything. I've been-"

The 11th division captain scoffed and ignored her rebuttal. Unohana sighed patiently.

"I do not appreciate my time being wasted."

"Well there somethin' wrong with me..." interrupted Zaraki "And you need ta do your job to find out what it is..."

"I'm trying taichou."

She was trying. Her voice remained a soft and soothing as she contemplated if she could figure out his motivation for coming here. This was very odd. Since when did Zaraki come to a check-up (willingly anyway) and complain about an illness? He'd usually just shrug it off or claim the 4th Division where too weak to judge his resilience.

"Kenpachi. You are not sick" She said, "I recommend antibiotics if the pain continues…"

"I ain't in pain,"

"We've already established the taichou." Unohana replied "And with that I have been forced to go on a wild goose chase finding out what is wrong with you…"

"There ain't nothin wrong with me." Snapped Zaraki "It's just…."

The healer raised an eyebrow "It's just what…"

Zaraki looked shamefully away from her "It just feels funny."

A momentarily silence filtered through the room.

"What feels funny?"

The 11th Division captain made no reply. That was the oddest thing of all. It was even odder than the time she caught Mayuri whispering the name of Kukaku Shiba in his sleep.

"What feels funny?" She repeated this time more passively to sooth him. She could have sworn she saw him blush.

"…Heart."

"Excuse me taichou?"

"It's my heart," growled the captain "It feels funny."

Unohana plastered a small frown on her face. She did not appreciate games especially when it came to medicine. How on earth could his of all hearts hurt? He may have been bloodthirsty but Kenpachi was one of the stronger captains of the Gotei 13. If it had been Ukitake-Taichou she would have understood perfectly but Kenpachi saying that his heart hurt was fairly similar to a fish claiming it couldn't swim.

"Your heart taichou…."

"Yeah my heart." Said Kenpachi "I'm pretty sure it's because of what that damn idiot Ikkaku gave to me the other day, what' a call it an omelette? Anyway he told me to eat it and the next thing I know- why the hell are you smiling?"

Unohana Retsu looked as peaceful as ever but deep inside she was giggling like a little girl.

"Taichou…" she began "I doubt a stomach bug would affect your heart in that way nor would it last over seven days…."

"Then what the hell…" He stopped when she came closer "STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"

"Wait, let me see…"

Before he could make a reply (that wasn't in gibberish) the 4th Division captain had stripped him of his Captain Jacket and was now in the process of removing his under robe.

"What the hell are you-"

His late retorts where no use as she removed his clothes swiftly, it was not an odd procedure but Kenpachi looked like she was trying to molest him. It didn't really matter and soon she was face to face with Kenpachi's chest. It would surprise anyone to believe it was well sculptured and hairless (unlike some in the Shinigami Women Association speculated) with only a few scars to mark his muscles. The most recent scar was courtesy of Kurosaki Ichigo, one of the drifters that had infiltrated Soul Society.

Now shifting her thoughts back to Kenpachi's troubled heart she moved her hand gently towards his chest only to see his face dance in silent horror.

"You,-don't you…"

"Only a minute Taichou…." Replied Unohana "You'll be fine. Promise."

Her hand was soon gently laid on his chest where his heart betted steadfast like a jackhammer. Kenpachi watched as her face went from deep concentration to a subtle smile before releasing him.

"Well I think you're fine." She said finally "But I'll probably come back tomorrow if I where you."

Unohana left the room neither looking embarrassed or flustered at their encounter. Kenpachi however was left embarrassed, totally speechless and suddenly realised why his heart was now beating even faster.

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End file.
